Consider it "Jousting"
Jul 26th at 11:26 pm
Having a good round of "jousting" with a friend who knows you well enough to make fun of you but loves you enough not to actually break anything can be a fun and stimulating experience. As long as the parties are considerate of each-other, even sarcasm can be fair game.
Now switch mental gears for a minute and consider criticism.
Our society is fairly accepting of the concept of constructive criticism. Done in the right manor, it is possible to make observations about other people that encourage them to change for the better. This is effective only to the point where the parties trust each other.
Now mix the two. (insert explosion here)
My experience says that there needs to be a very distinct separation between these two operations. As long as you can trust a friend to pull you aside and be intentional and loving with real criticism, the jousting can be a blast.
I recently felt the need to make an apology to a relative that I had been jousting with for several days. We had given each other considerable amounts of grief in a humorous sort of way and to a point, I was confident that it was all in the spirit of fun. That "point" came when I said something a little to close to being a real put down.
Although I did not intend it derogatorily, something told me that the comment was inappropriate and so I brought it up the next day and asked forgiveness. Thankfully no inferences had been made, but the mistake got me really thinking about what things are safe topics for jest.
In the pleasant conversation that ensued with this individual, I found out that I was not the only one to have jousted with them and hit the same unsafe topic. Unfortunately the other party had long since crossed the line and was mixing real criticism with the humorous comments. The effect was devastating.
The moral of the story? If you are going to seek this kind of fun, please make the extra effort to ensure that your engaging in considerate jousting. Save any topic even remotely close to real criticism for a real "in love" discussion, and make sure this is well understood in the relationship!
No browser left behind
Jul 26th at 5:42 pm
Warning! This is a geek rant. If you don't care, save your sanity and skip to the next post.
The more I have learned about developing for the web, the more I have become and advocate of accessibility. The whole point of the World Wide Web has been to get as much information out to as many people as possible in a cost effective manor.
For a website creator, this means a never ending basket of headaches as browsers and standards come and go. One of my favorite banner adds of all time was put out a few years ago by WaSP and goes something like this. "Your boss wants a website. He asks if you know the standards. You do. All 37 of them."
Somewhere along the line a thought was introduced in the world of the web that accessibility meant that developers should insure that all browsers show their users the same thing. I believe this concept to be patently false. I do not have a perfect definition, but I think a better one would revolve around the concept that any user, no matter what their resources, should have some form of access to your content. "Pixel Perfect Design" is a nice idea, but first make sure people can get the info if they need to.
Their resources may be an old Windows 95 based PC laptop, a cell phone, or the latest Power Book from apple. I do not think the users preference in browser or phobia towards software updates should be considered "resources".
A user of mine recently provided a case-in-point for this concept. While they had a spiffy new Windows-XP machine capable of running the latest versions of Internet Explorer, Firefox or Opera, their browser of choice was Netscape 6. Point Oh. Point Oh. Even better, a copy of Netscape 4.x was kept around for handy reference. To complete the menagerie, their IE had never been patched or updated.
The result was a machine that almost completely failed to display anything useful when pointed to a site of mine that uses CSS for layout, Dojo for Ajax-ness, and Google's javascript map API for a good portion of it's content. The broken version of IE displayed a large what nothing; the Netscape - a few broken boxes and a javascript error. Curiously enough, the oldest browser proved the most useful. Since it completely ignored the style sheets and active components, it was able to display a simply formatted version of the page content including useful pieces of information such as the business phone number. It was unable to use the map, but as the map was more of an accessory to the main focus of getting people to call and make reservations, it was not the end of the world.
In a positive example, I have always been amused by the nVidia driver download page. While the site typically relies on interactive javascript menus, one of the first elements on the page is a text link to UNIX video drivers so that browsers such as lynx (text console based) are able to access drivers. Since this needs to be done on most UNIX systems before you get a graphical environment in which a good browser will run, this was a smart move. I think there are much more elegant ways of formatting "degradable" content, this is still accessibility.
I still go to considerable effort to support some old browsers, This is because in some cases, old browsers are the latest thing available on a platform. The world of Mac OS9 is one example. IE 5.5 mac seems to be the latest and greatest that these people have access too, so I do my best to make content available to it. I whine and gripe and fuss, but I usually do it.
The very first release of IE6 is another story. Since there are so many service packs and patches available for this that everyone SHOULD have anyway, I never spend any time supporting it. The same goes for any version of Netscape. If your phobia against upgrading makes you want to avoid versions 7 and 8, at least get the latest build of 6! It is no accident that vendors release dozens if not hundreds of patches and updates to browsers (and other software) along it's life span.
The other half to this argument involves the cost-benefit analysis. At some point, some older browsers represent such small market share and large cost of development, that supporting them makes no financial sense. Again, the goal of the WWW is to get as much information out to as many people as you can in a cost effective manor, not to get the information out to everyone at any expense.
If another 5 hours of development time can make your content and the users experience better for 95% of your audience, why spent 5 hours making sure .2% are getting equal share. This is most obvious when you realize that the .2% can probably fix their own problem anyway.
Consider the analogous situation of the minority of users that cannot dial long distance or even 800 numbers from their phones. Instead of all the big companies getting local numbers in every calling zone in the US so they don't leave anyone behind, it is more cost effective for them to make an 800 number available and put the saved money into advertising to pick up more of the customers that CAN place the call.
Sanity check
Jul 13th at 9:20 pm
I washed dishes this afternoon. While scrubbing away I was going through a mental list of what had to be done by tomorrow. Then I realized that I was taking clean dishes out of the cupboard, 'drying' them, and putting them in the dish rack.
Realizing that I needed to stay focused on the task at hand, I reversed directions and then washed another round of dishes. The next thing I know, I'm using the dry rag on dirty dishes.
At what point should I submit myself to phsyciatric evaluation?
Portrait of cuteness
Jul 10th at 5:53 pm
The week before last marked the fourth bi-anual Maclennan Clan reunion. I had a truly wonderful time relaxing with family and hanging out on the northern California coast. We got home just in time to cope with the chaos that is living and working in a tourist town on the fourth of July.
I have not had time to sort through all of the pictures yet, but I did get one set of pictures posted on flickr.
Two week topics
Feb 27th at 10:52 pm
Life is not dull. I am back at my own apparment after spending the two weekends out and about. The thought that I know what I will be doing and when for a few days is more comforting than I would have thought.
To summarize:
- 2670 miles.
- 6 beds.
- 4 states.
- 3 churches.
- 1 hot wired bus trasmision.
While I could go into the details, I don't see the importance unless someone specifically cares about the whos, wheres and whys.
What is important is the things that God has been working in my heart lately. Some of the discussion topics brought in the lime-light recently have been like rays of God's light shining in on parts of my life that have been dusty and dark.
As far as conviction goes, the most obvious "too weak" that has been shown me lies in the way I live out the verse, "always be prepared to give a defense for the hope that is in you." While I am willing enough to be forthcoming about my faith around people of like mind, I am to all to willing to compromise my answers to non-believers and downplay the spritual importance of my actions. It is a terrible habit, but I all to often skirt around the real motivations in my life.
More on this and other issues comming soon.
In pursuit of clear facts and fun fiction
Jan 21st at 8:15 pm
I have been trying to get back into the habit of reading fiction. Back in October I started forcing my self to spend a few less minutes stiring the stew in my brain and a few more minutes filling it with story. I started with an old George MacDonald? favorite, plowed through a couple books by CS Lewis, and have just last night completed Prophet by Frank Peretti. I tried starting on to say nothing of the dog last night, but after just two paragraphs gave up in confusion.
The excersise has been worthwhile. Even if all I have is five minutes before I am too tired, it has been a nice way to close the day and force myself to stop woriing about the next days problems.
Along with the evening habit, I have been trying to spend a few minutes in the morning absorbing the word. This is difficult for me as the am hours our not my clearest. I do not try to actually study durring this time as I know I would fail, but I believe this is the right direction to start. Often I will come back later in the day when I am more alert to really dig into whatever I read.
This week scored a number of very good articles online. From the blog of brother of a friend of a friend came a susinct explanation of the sacrements. In technical reading, Zeldmans article entitled the web 3.0 stands as a landmark reminding me of the pitfals waiting to suck up unwary web developers. And to brighten the end of my day and this post, this Dilbert episode made me laugh. How are your analogies?
Moving documentary
Jan 18th at 12:43 am
I uploaded a photoset to flickr with some pictures of my new appartment and the process of putting it together.
I made a montrose trip on monday to stock up on groceries and supplies. I got all the way down there before I realized my wallet was still in Ouray. End result? The fridge is still completely empty.
Map Blues
Jan 18th at 12:43 am
I have been trying to get google maps to display my new location, but every time I import their maps into my map page the street data is all mixed up and I cannot get the right location. If I use their own interface, they can map my new address just beautifully.
Home base moves.
Jan 13th at 11:16 am
Starting sometime next week, I will be moving into an appartment off of 6th street. Get the exact location and come visit me.
Who can I blame?
Jan 13th at 11:16 am
This is for all of my friends who still wonder why I insist on running linux.
One. When I select a preference, it stays that way. My computer does not decide that I made a bad choice and put an old preference back. From my windows land exposure, I do not think I could tell you how many times I have right clicked on the taskbar, gone to the toolbar menu and unchecked the language bar, only to have it come back the next time I logged on. There is a way to permanently remove the language bar but who writes this kind of software anyhow?
Two. When I take an image from my digital camera, open it in the gimp, add a couple of layers and filters, and save as an xcf file, the result is large, but not unbearably so. The same operation in photoshp results in a psd file over ten times as large. Who writes this software?
Of Roads and Ladders
Dec 27th at 7:08 pm
Seconds after posting my last blog entry, my EMS pager went off. I proceded to visit two accident scenes.
The first was an accident on Red Mountain Pass in which the vehicle decended over 500 feet down an avalanche chute and landed in a river. The driver walked away with nothing worse than a (self professed) injured pride.
The second was at a construction site where a worker fell off a ladder (approximatly 1/35th the distance). Although I have not heard the hospital's diagnosis, I suspect he probably broke his back and certainly cut and bruised up lots more of his body.
My question is this. How is it that one man can drive off a 500' cliff into a river and walk away, but another has mud on his boots and slips off a ladder and sustains major injuries? For that matter, why did man #1 even live at all?
Unrelated to that thought, but on a similar topic; yesterday marked the first time I respneded to an emergency scene as a medic instead of as an ambulance driver. I did not need to do much more than help with the logistics of moving people around and holding cervical spine immobilization, but I still got to see a scene from a different perspective than I have been using for the past year.
Christmas on a Sunday
Dec 27th at 11:33 am
In the last few weeks, I have intercepted plenty of people discussing the pros and cons of having Christmas on a sunday. The last time it happened this way was 11 years ago and I was too young to really notice what church was like that day.
This year, I noticed, and I liked what I saw. Christmas is a time to celebrate and remember Jesus birth. What better way to do that then to gather together as a family. Most families in this country go to great lengths to get together over the hollidays. Why should we as a church (the family of God) not make the extra effort to gather together on Christmas to celebrate?
On Christmas Eve, people piled into church, many of them for the only time this year. I am not quite sure why this happens, but it does. I like the procedure; it is a great chance to share with the world what Christmas is all about.
On Christmas Day, only the people who really cared about being a member of Gods family bothered to come to church. It was more intimate setting than usual and the joy that was shared will be stick in my memory for years to come.
I think christmas should always be on a sunday -- or at least we should always gather as a family on christmas, whatever day of the week it is.
Which is the "wrong side" of a hammock?
Sep 8th at 10:14 am
It is my personal opinion that whenever a blog has gone stale for a while, it is a good idea to bring it back with a bang. So here it is. I am writting to yell at my blog because I'm tired of hearing myself yell at myself and there is nobody else handy to yell at.
Six am was well before my alarm this morning, but I felt (first mistake) well enough rested to get up and tackle some busy work in hopes of having a fun project to work on later in the day.
<power button>
<click, bang, stcratch (repeat)>
The sounds of a dying hard drive are always a nice morning greeting.
<sarcasm alert>
I decided it would be prudent to make an imidiate backup of everything on the disk, most of which was well enough backed up anyway, but there were a few sets of pictures from recent trips that had not been sorted and put in my svn repository yet.
<insert really bad mistake where I delete piles of files>
Grrrr. So I decided that this was the wrong way to get the morning started and that I should go chill out and come back and start over. I decided to go for a quick hike on a favorite trail a mile or so out of town. There is where I add insult to injury. I got a speeding ticket for 10-19 over just at the edge of town. My first citation ever. Fully deserved. 4 points.
<Rewind>
Oh how I wish life had a rewind button! On the bright side, I have not yet smashed my finger in a door.
The River
May 10th at 4:49 pm
To the river I am going, bringing sins I cannot bear;
Come and cleanse me, come forgive me; Lord, I need to meet you there.
In these waters, healing mercy, flows with freedom from despair;
I am going to that river, Lord, I need to meet You there.
Precious Jesus, I am ready, to surrender ev'ry care;
Take my hand now, lead me closer;
Lord, I need to meet You there.
Come and join us in the river;
Come find life beyond compare;
He is calling, He is waiting; Jesus longs to meet you there.
He is calling, He is waiting; Jesus longs to meet you there.
I am to be baptised this comming Sunday. I think that song is a great picture.
Medicare. Whoop whoop.
May 9th at 9:45 am
Today marks a new milestone for me. I just deposited my first check that had medicare witholdings taken out of it.
Updated: Very mysteriously after making this post, a mirky green substance began oozing out of the server that houses my blog database, completly ruining a SCSI disk array imediatly below it. I didn't know sarcasm was that sticky!
People watching fun.
May 7th at 4:08 pm
Walmart is not my favorite place to hang out. I prefer to make my once-a-month shopping visits at about 2 in the morning because there is nobody in the way and the re-stocking crew knows exactly where everything is. Due to circumstances beond my control (getting a jeep worked on at a neighboring dealership, I had to had to hang out there for a while yesterday afternoon.
Since Mothers Day is tomorrow I decided that I should look for a card for my mom. A walk by the card isle quickly made me decide that it was too crowded and I should come back later. Two subsequent walk-bys made me think I might not get a chance to pick out a card at all. Upon my fourth visit I hung around long enough to realize that I was missing out on some great people watching.
There isn't much funnier than watching guys trying desperatly to find a card for their moms. Enter some woman on the scene and one of them will get up enough spunk to ask for suggestions, and I had to move to the next isle so people wouldn't notice me laughing.
My own search was not very fruitfull. In the end I decided to make one myself becaues the only ones availible seemed to be for people who couldn't actually think of anything nice to say.
A matter of the heart.
Apr 26th at 10:58 am
It's not easy for me to summarize my state of being, especally not to somebody who I actaully want to know how I am. I usually gloss over everything and convey nothing of substance, or else spend so much time going into depth that the point is lost.
However quite on accident this morning I said something that I think profound enough to bear repeating here for anybody who wants to know how I am.
I am learning to commit my heart to following Christ. It is easy enough to commit my time and activities to His care, but not so easy to trust Him with my heart and it's desires. It is natural for me to hold onto a little corner that is what I want for myself and hope and pray that my Leader arranges my circumstances so that my heart is satisfied instead of letting Him work directly with my heart.
The realization of how accurate that statement is did not come until after I had sent the letter and re-read it later. I wonder how much easier my life would be if I would actually commit my heart's desires to Christ's care ... and how much better my attitude would be if I could let go of the faint reservations that still pull at my heart because some part of me is still withheld in my control.
Avalanche!
Apr 16th at 8:13 pm
I took one of our rental Jeeps out today for a pre-season trail inspection. I was eager to get out of the office and decided that playing in the snow in a jeep was just the ticket. Of course none of the jeep roads are open for more than a mile or two yet, but it was fun to check.
Having gotten as far up CampBirdRoad? as snow would allow, I was sitting in the Jeep talking to my friend when we heard a rumble very much like distant thunder, only instead of dieing off it grew lower. A quick inspection showed a large slide comming off the face of I forget it's name but here's a map. The crashing sound of falling rock and snow lasted about ten or twelve seconds and snow was still sliding around half a minute later.
Another exploration up DexterCreek? lead got me stuck in the snow. I followed some snow-mobile tracks in for about a quarter mile, which was fine except I fell off them backing out and had to dig out for twenty minutes or so.
All round, a very succesful first-jeep-day for 2005.
The white stuff returns.
Apr 4th at 11:33 am
2 1/2' of fresh powder. Why am I not snowboarding?
Waste Management, meet the H2.
Welcome home
Apr 4th at 10:15 am
Please excuse the mess! I am still a long way for having a finished site, but I figured it was time to have something usable again.
New site features
- The wiki engine has been rebuilt and is now known as QueWiki?. Go play in the SandBox.
- Blog engine
- XMLHttp requests for fast browsing!
- Usefull site-search using the Google search API
- AccessKeys for many common navigation features.
- User customizable including stylesheet and javascript toolkits.
You can checkout the SiteRedesign white paper to see if I accomplished my objectives.
Yet to come
- Real stylesheets with real designs
- Photo gallery & wiki picture macro
- Wiki & Blog Comments
Moderation. Please?
Oct 6th at 12:00 am
Apparently God does not understand the concept of moderation. Last week I felt that our youth ministry was a little flat and prayed for a "little life". Well apparently God has a surplus on life right now because all of us, leaders and kids alike got a double dose.
Now all that remains is to compose myself.
God's humor and my stupidity.
Oct 5th at 12:00 am
It's like this. I have been concerned for some time about the fact that God was taking away some of my closest friends here in Ouray. I don't have so many of them that I can afford to let God move all of them on to other places.
Over the past week there has been a confusing set of rumors regarding some chap by the name of Ian. I've tried to piece things together but the town gossip was so mixed up that I came to entirely the wrong conclusion about who this Ian chap must be.
All that was set straight tonight when I ran into Ian -- and he turns out to be a great friend from another time in my life that God moved on and has now sent back.
Garden musing.
Sep 25th at 12:00 am
I thought of something while soaking in the pool this evening stewing over why the world is in such a desperate condition. This goes way back in the day when Adam was crusing the garden. It's about that tree thing -- the tree of the knowledge of good and evil as it's called. @(bible Genesis 2:17) Simple enough as it may seem, God made that tree. I know he created this world and man in it with free will and all that. I also understand that with free will it really doesn't matter what temptation is lying around or not even lying around -- man would still fall. Out of curiosity however, why did God make a tree and use it's fruit as the trigger? "Oh, and by the way since I already know you will get around to failing eventually there is this really easy way you can do it by eating that thing hanging on that tree over there." Money doesn't grow on trees, why should sin? ---- So I had a momemtary freak-out tonight when I steped out on the sidewalk on my way home. On the sidewalk across from my office there was a wedding party hanging around talking. Just as I reached for my car door I hear a female voice that sounds like my friend Laura holler, "Hey Bryan". I turned around to see a chap with long hair and an oversied black coat answer back -- to the bride. Now I just happend to have another friend with long hair who always wears and oversided black treachcoat. Durring the next few seconds or so that it took me to determine for sure that this was a different couple I have to admit being entirely confused!
Contactable
Sep 22nd at 12:00 am
I finnally got a cell phone of my very own working today. This marks a milestone in my life that I have dilligently taken even the most extreeme measures to avoid. Monthly bills with my name on them. You might think it crazy or amazing that I have gotten to 22 without incurring any monthly bills, but I've done it. It hasn't been cheap and it hasn't been easy. God only knows what's next! If you want to call me to comiserate or congradulate the number is 970-318-8861.
Gutenberg
Sep 21st at 12:00 am
I just got back from Oregon where I took my brother Chase to college at Gutenberg. I feel like a noodle after driving 3k miles! It's a little weird realizing that I might have a room to myself for the first time since I was 3.
Flagpoles
Sep 15th at 12:00 am
To all high schoolers across the nation who met for SeeYouAtThePole? this morning, props and blessings. To all who prayed and interceded for your schools and your friends, know this: God will come and move and answer your prayers.
Being in youth ministry can feel like riding a roller coaster sometimes. Being a student led event, SeeYouAtThePole? was a great chance to get a glimse of how kids are doing and I was greatly encouraged this morning to hear them praying for eachother, their schools, their teachers and their country.
Once upon a hurricane.
Sep 14th at 12:00 am
The walk of Kayne West.
Sep 13th at 12:00 am
Am I too prejudiced? Am I too old school and straight laced? Is my discernment not of God own directing?
A friend of mine mentioned that I should check out the rap tune Jesus Walks by rapper Kayne West. She said it was playing on MTV at frequent intervals, so I went onto gnutella stole a copy of the song to check out.
I really believe I went into it the jam with an open mind willing to hear the rappers heart. Quite honestly I was a bit confused about how a christian beat could end up in the secular lime-light without me knowing about it, but stranger things have happened.
Right off the bat I liked the style. I love the mix of accapella vocal and tight beat and easy to hear lyrics. The first line showed me that West was thinking about his culture and that was confirmed as he talked about growing up and walking through trials. I got a little lost where the guy was takin' his lyrics -- there are lots of life issues and attitudes rolled up in there and I knew it was going to take a few listens to make out what what was being said. Unfortunatly I got hung up about half way through. On s***. Bam right there I was out of the game.
Why did Kayne have to throw that in? Is he afraid of not getting airtime if he's not "with the times" enough? Does he think that he has to stoop down to the level of people in the world to get their attention? In the remix version he ends the song with this:
I'm a changed man. I'm healed, I'm deliverd, I'm rich, and it's all because of Him.
A changed man? At this point I busted out with a google search and pulled up some interviews to see if I could discern who this man was. Unfortunatly I was not encouraged by anything I read about him. His attitude is not that of one truely changed by TheGospel. There is truth in his lyrics and he clearly has a basic working knowledge of what a christian is, but to anybody who walks in the light it is possible to discern when others are not. According to the bible we are able to understand people by their fruit. The fruit I see Kayne West bearing is not good fruit.
I've listened to the song many many times now and will perhaps post a more in depth analysis another day. For now, if you have something to add -- whether you agree or disagree -- add it to the bottom of the page. Use RealNames please.
Dear Jesus, I pray that you would come and reveal yourself to Kayne. Lord you have blessed him with talent and a love of music. Lord take his life now and take ahold of his heart - redirect his passion to be glorifing to you in every away. Lord forgive him and wrap him in your arms of love. Help him to know you and to walk in your strength. Lord strip him of his own arrogance and fill him with confidence in nothing but the blood of Jesus. Heal him of his insecurities so that he may boldly proclaim your word. Lord give him a true testimony of deliverance. Lord God teach Kayne about ministry and equip him to make use of his tallent for your kingdom. -- Caleb
Maybe you should think about him not as a mature Christian but someone who is trying to be one. Maybe I'm wrong... I haven't read his interviews or anything. I just thought that it was cool that someone was talking about God in pop culture. And ou think Kayne West is a hypocrite? You should see the line up on BET ... 6 days of singing/rapping almost completely about sex and drugs, and on the 7th inspirational preaching. I'm sorry that the world doesn't realize what Jesus was, is, and always will be, but they don't, and therefore it's amazing (to me at least) when he makes it into the picture at all. By the way, in the video he doesn't have girls in short shorts and barely there tops - like every other video in MTV. -- Laura
Laura, I think I understand your point, and it's true that it's good to have some truth around. I am just wishing that it didn't have to be mixed up with other things. The gospel is very hard to separate from cultural.
Note however that I did not call him a hypocrite because from what I can tell Kayne actually lives what he preaches, and I didn't even say that what he preaches isn't true, just that it's still a bit jumbled up.
The thing I had the hardest time with was the man's attitude as an artist -- particularly arrogance. He makes no bones about it -- he is arrogant. I just think he need to realize that that is not a very christ-like way to live or very glorifying. In the position he has placed himself in, I think he's got a lot of responsability to represent. -- Caleb
The Revenge of Conscience.
Sep 9th at 12:00 am
By: J. Budziszewski
Url: http://www.firstthings.com/ftissues/ft9806/articles/budziszewski.html
Copyright: (c) 1998 First Things 84 (June/July 1998): 21-27.
Things are getting worse very quickly now. The list of what we are required to approve is growing ever longer. Consider just the domain of sexual practice. First we were to approve sex before marriage, then without marriage, now against marriage. First with one, then with a series, now with a crowd. First with the other sex, then with the same. First between adults, then between children, then between adults and children. The last item has not been added yet, but will be soon: you can tell from the change in language, just as you can tell the approach of winter from the change in the color of leaves. As any sin passes through its stages from temptation, to toleration, to approval, its name is first euphemized, then avoided, then forgotten. A colleague tells me that some of his fellow legal scholars call child molestation "intergenerational intimacy": that's euphemism. A good-hearted editor tried to talk me out of using the term "sodomy": that's avoidance. My students don't know the word "fornication" at all: that's forgetfulness.
The pattern is repeated in the house of death. First we were to approve of killing unborn babies, then babies in process of birth; next came newborns with physical defects, now newborns in perfect health. Nobel-prize laureate James Watson proposes that parents of newborns be granted a grace period during which they may have their babies killed, and in 1994 a committee of the American Medical Association proposed harvesting organs from some sick babies even before they die. First we were to approve of suicide, then to approve of assisting it. Now we are to approve of a requirement to assist it, for, as Ernest van den Haag has argued, it is "unwarranted" for doctors not to kill patients who seek death. First we were to approve of killing the sick and unconscious, then of killing the conscious and consenting. Now we are to approve of killing the conscious and protesting, for in the United States, doctors starved and dehydrated stroke patient Marjorie Nighbert to death despite her pleading "I'm hungry," "I'm thirsty," "Please feed me," and "I want food." Such cases are only to be expected when food and water are now often classified as optional treatments rather than humane care; we have not long to go before joining the Netherlands, where involuntary euthanasia is common. Dutch physician and author Bert Keizer has described his response when a nursing home resident choked on her food: he shot her full of morphine and waited for her to die. Such a deed by a doctor in the land that resisted the Nazis.
Why do things get worse so fast? Of course we have names for the process, like "collapse," "decay," and "slippery slope." By conjuring images -- a stricken house, a gangrenous limb, a sliding talus -- they make us feel we understand. Now, I am no enemy to word-pictures, but a civilization is not really a house, a limb, or a heap of rocks; it cannot literally fall in, rot, or skid out from underfoot. Images can only illustrate an explanation; they cannot substitute for one. So why do things get worse so fast? It would be well to know, in case the process can be arrested.
The usual explanation is that conscience is weakened by neglect. Once a wrong is done, the next wrong comes more easily. On this view conscience is mainly a restraint, a resistance, a passive barrier. It doesn't so much drive us on as hold us back, and when persistently attacked, the restraining wall gets thinner and thinner and finally disappears. Often this explanation is combined with another: that conscience comes from culture, that it is built up in us from outside. In this view the heart is malleable. We don't clearly know what is right and wrong, and when our teachers change the lessons, our consciences change their contents. What once we deemed wrong, we deem right; what once we deemed right, we deem wrong.
There is something to these explanations, but neither can account for the sheer dynamism of wickedness -- for the fact that we aren't gently wafted into the abyss but violently propel ourselves into it. Nor, as I will show, can either one account for the peculiar quality of our present moral confusion.
I suggest a different explanation. Conscience is not a passive barrier but an active force; though it can hold us back, it can also drive us on. Moreover, conscience comes not from without but from within: though culture can trim the fringes, the core cannot be changed. The reason things get worse so fast must somehow lie not in the weakness of conscience but in its strength, not in its shapelessness but in its shape.
II
Whether paradoxical or not, the view of conscience I defend is nothing new; its roots are ancient. In one of the tragedies of Sophocles, the woman Antigone seeks to give her dead brother a proper burial, but is forbidden by the king because her brother was an enemy of the state. She replies to the tyrant that there is another law higher than the state's, and that she will follow it because of its divine authority. Not even the king may require anyone to violate it. Moreover, it requires not only forbearance from evil but active pursuit of the good: in this case, doing the honors for her brother.
Antigone's claim that this higher law has divine authority can easily be misunderstood, because the Greeks did not have a tradition of verbal revelation. The mythical hero Perseus had never climbed any Mount Sinai; the fabled god Zeus had never announced any Ten Commandments. So, although the law of which Antigone speaks somehow has divine authority, she has not learned it by reading something like a Bible, with moral rules delivered by the gods. Nor is she merely voicing the customs of the tribe -- at least not if we are to believe Aristotle, who seems a safer authority on the Greeks than our contemporary skeptics. Instead she seems to be speaking of principles that everyone with a normal mind knows by means of conscience. She seems to be speaking of a law written on the heart -- of what philosophers would later call the natural law.
Now by contrast with the pagan Greeks, Jews and Christians do have a tradition of verbal revelation. Moses did climb the mountain, God did announce the commandments. One might think, then, that Jews and Christians wouldn't have a natural law tradition because they wouldn't need it. But just the opposite is true. The idea of a law written on the heart is far stronger and more consistent among Jews, and especially Christians, than it was among the pagans. In fact, the very phrase "law written on the heart" is biblical; it comes from the New Testament book of Romans. Judaism calls the natural law the Noahide Commandments because of a rabbinic legend that God had given certain general rules to all the descendants of Noah -- that is, all human beings -- long before he made His special covenant with the descendants of Abraham. In similar fashion, Christianity distinguishes between "general revelation," which every human being receives, and "special revelation," which is transmitted by witnesses and recorded only in the Bible. General revelation makes us aware of God's existence and requirements so that we can't help knowing that we have a problem with sin. Special revelation goes further by telling us how to solve that problem.
The natural law is unconsciously presupposed -- even when consciously denied -- by modern secular thinkers, too. We can see the presupposition at work whenever we listen in on ethical debate. Consider, for example, the secular ethic of utilitarianism, which holds that the morally right action is always the one that brings about the greatest possible total happiness. Arguments against utilitarianism by other secularists often proceed by showing that the doctrine yields conclusions contrary to our most deeply held moral intuitions. For instance, it isn't hard to imagine circumstances in which murdering an innocent man might make all the others much happier than they were before. Utilitarianism, seeking the greatest possible total happiness, would require us to murder the fellow; nevertheless we don't, because we perceive that murder is plain wrong. So instead of discarding the man, we discard the theory. Here is the point: such an argument against utilitarianism stakes everything on a pre-philosophical intuition about the heinousness of murder. Unless there is a law written on the heart, it is hard to imagine where this intuition comes from.
The best short summary of the traditional, natural law understanding of conscience was given by Thomas Aquinas when he said that the core principles of the moral law are the same for all "both as to rectitude and as to knowledge" -- in other words, that they are not only right for all but known to all. Nor is it true, as some suppose, that he was referring only to such formal principles as "good is to be done," for he speaks for the greater part of the tradition when he expressly includes such precepts as "Honor thy father and thy mother," "Thou shalt not kill," and "Thou shalt not steal." These, he says, are matters which "the natural reason of every man, of its own accord and at once, judges to be done or not to be done." To be sure, not every moral principle is part of the core, but all moral principles are at least derived from it, if not by pure deduction (killing is wrong and poison kills, so poisoning is wrong), then with the help of prudence (wrongdoers should be punished, but the appropriate punishment depends on circumstances). Our knowledge of derived principles such as "Rise up before the hoary head" may be weakened by neglect and erased by culture, but our knowledge of the core principles is ineffaceable. These are the laws we can't not know.
Ranged against this view are two others. One simply denies that the core principles are right for all; the other admits they are right for all, but denies they are known to all. The former, of course, is relativism. I call the latter mere moral realism -- with emphasis on "mere" because natural law is realistic, too, but more so.
Not much need be said here about relativism. It is not an explanation of our decline, but a symptom of it. The reason it cannot be an explanation is that it finds nothing to explain. To the question "Why do things get worse so fast?" it can only return "They don't get worse, only different."
Mere moral realism is a much more plausible opponent, because by admitting the moral law it acknowledges the problem. Things are getting worse quickly -- plainly because there isn't anything we "can't not know." Everything in conscience can be weakened by neglect and erased by culture. Now if mere moral realists are right, then although the problem of moral decline may begin in volition, it dwells in cognition: it may begin as a defect of will, but ends as a defect of knowledge. We may have started by neglecting what we knew, but we have now gone so far that we really don't know it any more. What is the result? That our contemporary ignorance of right and wrong is genuine. We really don't know the truth, but we are honestly searching for it -- trying to see on a foggy night -- doing the best that we can. In a sense, we are blameless for our deeds, for we don't know any better.
All this sounds persuasive, yet it is precisely what the older tradition, the natural law tradition, denies. We do know better; we are not doing the best we can. The problem of moral decline is volitional, not cognitive; it has little to do with knowledge. By and large we do know right from wrong, but wish we didn't. We only make believe we are searching for truth -- so that we can do wrong, condone wrong, or suppress our remorse for having done wrong in the past.
If the traditional view is true, then our decline is owed not to moral ignorance but to moral suppression. We aren't untutored, but "in denial." We don't lack moral knowledge; we hold it down.
III
Offhand it seems as though believing in a law we "can't not know" would make it harder, not easier, to explain why things are so quickly getting worse. If the moral law really is carved on the heart, wouldn't it be hard to ignore? On the other hand, if it is merely penciled in as the mere moral realists say -- well!
But this is merely picture thinking again. Carving and penciling are but metaphors, and more than metaphors are necessary to show why the suppression of conscience is more violent and explosive than its mere weakening would be. First let us consider a few facts that ought to arouse our suspicion -- facts about the precise kind of moral confusion we suffer, or say we suffer.
Consider this tissue of contradictions: Most who call abortion wrong call it killing. Most who call it killing say it kills a baby. Most who call it killing a baby decline to prohibit it altogether. Most who decline to prohibit it think it should be restricted. More and more people favor restrictions. Yet greater and greater numbers of people have had or have been involved in abortions.
Or this one: Most adults are worried about teenage sex. Yet rather than telling kids to wait until marriage, most tell kids to wait until they are "older," as we are. Most say that premarital sex between consenting adults is a normal expression of natural desires. Yet hardly any are comfortable telling anyone, especially their own children, how many people they have slept with themselves.
Or this one: Accessories to suicide often write about the act; they produce page after page to show why it is right. Yet a large part of what they write about is guilt. Author George E. Delury, jailed for poisoning and suffocating his wife, says in his written account of the affair that his guilt feelings were so strong they were "almost physical."
As to the first example, if abortion kills a baby then it ought to be banned to everyone; why allow it? But if it doesn't kill a baby it is hard to see why we should be uneasy about it at all; why restrict it? We restrict what we allow because we know it is wrong but don't want to give it up; we feed our hearts scraps in hopes of hushing them, as cooks quiet their kitchen puppies.
As to the second example, sexual promiscuity has exactly the same bad consequences among adults as it has among teenagers. But if it is just an innocent pleasure, then why not talk it up? Swinging is no longer a novelty; the sexual revolution is now gray with age. If shame persists, the only possible explanation is that guilt persists as well.
The third example speaks for itself. Delury calls the very strength of his feelings a proof that they did not express "moral" guilt, merely the "dissonance" resulting from violation of an instinctual block inherited from our primate ancestors. We might paraphrase his theory, "the stronger the guilt, the less it matters."
Clearly, whatever our problem may be, it isn't that conscience is weak. We may be confused, but we aren't confused that way. It isn't that we don't know the truth, but that we tell ourselves something different.
IV
If the law written on the heart can be repressed, then we cannot count on it to restrain us from doing wrong; that much is obvious. I have made the more paradoxical claim that repressing it hurls us into further wrong. Holding conscience down doesn't deprive it of its force; it merely distorts and redirects that force. We are speaking of something less like the erosion of an earthen dike so that it fails to hold the water back, than like the compression of a powerful spring so that it buckles to the side.
Here is how it works. Guilt, guilty knowledge, and guilty feelings are not the same thing; men and women can have the knowledge without the feelings, and they can have the feelings without the fact. Even when suppressed, however, the knowledge of guilt always produces certain objective needs, which make their own demand for satisfaction irrespective of the state of the feelings. These needs include confession, atonement, reconciliation, and justification.
Now when guilt is acknowledged, the guilty deed can be repented so that these four needs can be genuinely satisfied. But when the guilty knowledge is suppressed, they can only be displaced. That is what generates the impulse to further wrong. Taking the four needs one by one, let's see how this happens.
The need to confess arises from transgression against what we know, at some level, to be truth. I have already commented on the tendency of accessories to suicide to write about their acts. Besides George Delury, who killed his wife, we may mention Timothy E. Quill, who prescribed lethal pills for his patient, and Andrew Solomon, who participated in the death of his mother. Solomon, for instance, writes in the New Yorker that "the act of speaking or writing about your involvement is, inevitably, a plea for absolution." Many readers will remember the full-page signature advertisements feminists took out in the early days of the abortion movement, telling the world that they had killed their own unborn children. At first it seems baffling that the sacrament of confession can be inverted to serve the ends of advocacy. Only by recognizing the power of suppressed conscience can this paradox be understood.
The need to atone arises from the knowledge of a debt that must somehow be paid. One would think such knowledge would always lead directly to repentance, but the counselors whom I have interviewed tell a different story. One woman learned during her pregnancy that her husband had been unfaithful to her. He wanted the child, so to punish him for betrayal she had an abortion. The trauma of killing was even greater than the trauma of his treachery, because this time she was to blame. What was her response? She aborted the next child, too; in her words, "I wanted to be able to hate myself more for what I did to the first baby." By trying to atone without repenting, she was driven to repeat the sin.
The need for reconciliation arises from the fact that guilt cuts us off from God and man. Without repentance, intimacy must be simulated precisely by sharing with others in the guilty act. Leo Tolstoy knew this. In Anna Karenina there comes a time when the lovers' mutual guiltiness is their only remaining bond. But the phenomenon is hardly restricted to cases of marital infidelity. Andrew Solomon says that he, his brothers, and his father are united by the "weird legacy" of their implication in his mother's death, and quotes a nurse who participated in her own mother's death as telling him, "I know some people will have trouble with my saying this but it was the most intimate time I've ever had with anyone." Herbert Hendin comments in a book on the Dutch affair with euthanasia, "The feeling that participation in death permits an intimacy that they are otherwise unable to achieve permeates euthanasia stories and draws patients and doctors to euthanasia." And no wonder. Violation of a basic human bond is so terrible that the burdened conscience must instantly establish an abnormal one to compensate; the very gravity of the transgression invests the new bond with a sense of profound significance. Naturally some will find it attractive.
The reconciliation need has a public dimension, too. Isolated from the community of moral judgment, transgressors strive to gather a substitute around themselves. They don't sin privately; they recruit. The more ambitious among them go further. Refusing to go to the mountain, they require the mountain to come to them: society must be transformed so that it no longer stands in awful judgment. So it is that they change the laws, infiltrate the schools, and create intrusive social-welfare bureaucracies.
Finally we come to the need for justification, which requires more detailed attention. Unhooked from justice, justification becomes rationalization, which is a more dangerous game than it seems. The problem is that the ordinances written on the heart all hang together. They depend on each other in such a way that we cannot suppress one except by rearranging all the others. A few cases will be sufficient to show how this happens.
Consider sexual promiscuity. The official line is that modern people don't take sex outside marriage seriously any longer; mere moral realists say this is because we no longer realize the wrong of it. I maintain that we do know it is wrong but pretend that we don't. Of course one must be careful to distinguish between the core laws of sex, the ones we can't not know, and the derived ones, which we can not know. For example, though true and reasonable, the superiority of monogamous to polygamous marriage is probably not part of the core. On the other hand, no human society has ever held that the sexual powers may be exercised by anyone with anyone, and the recognized norm is a durable and culturally protected covenant between man and woman with the intention of procreation. Casual shack-ups and one-night stands don't qualify.
Because we can't not know that sex belongs with marriage, when we separate them we cover our guilty knowledge with rationalizations. In any particular culture, particular rationalizations may be just as strongly protected as marriage; the difference is that while the rationalizations vary from culture to culture, the core does not. At least in our culture, such sexual self-deceptions are more common among women than men. I don't think this is because the female conscience is stronger (or weaker) than the male. However, sex outside marriage exposes the woman to greater risk, so whereas the man must fool only his conscience, she must fool both her conscience and her self-interest. If she does insist on doing wrong, she has twice as much reason to rationalize.
One common rationalization is to say "No" while acting "Yes" in order to tell oneself afterward "I didn't go along." William Gairdner reports that according to one rape crisis counselor, many of the women who call her do so not to report that they have been raped, but to ask whether they were raped. If they have to ask, of course, they probably haven't been; they are merely dealing with their ambivalence by throwing the blame for their decisions on their partners. But this is a serious matter. Denial leads to the further wrong of false witness.
Another tactic is inventing private definitions of marriage. Quite a few people "think of themselves as married" although they have no covenant at all; some even fortify the delusion with "moving-in ceremonies" featuring happy words without promises. Unfortunately, people who "think of themselves as married" not only refuse the obligations of real marriage but demand all of its cultural privileges; because rationalization is so much work, they require other people to support them in it. Such demands make the cultural protection of real marriage more difficult.
Yet another ruse is to admit that sex belongs with marriage but to fudge the nature of the connection. By this reasoning I tell myself that sex is okay because I am going to marry my partner, because I want my partner to marry me, or because I have to find out if we could be happy married. An even more dangerous fudge is to divide the form of marriage from its substance -- to say "we don't need promises because we're in love." The implication, of course, is that those who do need promises love impurely; that those who don't marry are more truly married than those who do.
This last rationalization is even more difficult to maintain than most. Love, after all, is a permanent and unqualified commitment to the true good of the other person, and the native tongue of commitment is precisely promises. To work, therefore, this ruse requires another: having deceived oneself about the nature of marriage, one must now deceive oneself about the nature of love. The usual way of doing so is to mix up love with the romantic feelings that characteristically accompany it, and call them "intimacy." If only we have these feelings, we tell ourselves, we may have sex. That is to say, we may have sex -- if we feel like it.
Here is where things really become interesting, because if the criterion of being as-good-as-married is sexual feelings, then obviously nobody who has sexual feelings may be prevented from marrying. So homosexuals must also be able to "marry"; their unions, too, should have cultural protection. At this point suppressed conscience strikes another blow, reminding us that marriage is linked with procreation. But now we are in a box. We cannot say "therefore homosexuals cannot marry," because that would strike against the whole teetering structure of rationalizations. Therefore we decree that having been made marriageable, homosexuals must be made procreative; the barren field must seem to bloom. There is, after all, artificial insemination. And there is adoption. So it comes to pass that children are given as a right to those from whom they were once protected as a duty. The normalization of perversion is complete.
V
When ordinary rationalization fails, people revert to other modes of suppression. We often see this when an unmarried young woman becomes pregnant. Suddenly her conscience discovers itself; though she was not ashamed to lift her skirts, she is suddenly ashamed to show her swelling belly. What can she do? Well, she can have an abortion; she can revert to the mode of suppression called "getting rid of the evidence." Once again conscience multiplies transgressions. But she finds that the new transgression is no solution to the old one; in fact now she has something even more difficult to rationalize.
Think what is necessary to justify abortion. Because we can't not know that it is wrong to deliberately kill human beings, there are only four options. We must deny that the act is deliberate, deny that it kills, deny that its victims are human, or deny that wrong must not be done. The last option is literally nonsense. That something must not be done is what it means for it to be wrong; to deny that wrong may not be done is merely to say "wrong is not wrong," or "what must not be done may be done." The first option is hardly promising either. Abortion does not just happen; it must be performed. Its proponents not only admit there is a "choice," they boast of it. As to the second option, if it was ever promising, it is no longer. Millions of women have viewed sonograms of their babies kicking, sucking their thumbs, and turning somersaults; whatever these little ones are, they are busily alive. Even most feminists have given up calling the baby a "blood clot" or describing abortion as the "extraction of menses."
The only option even barely left is number three: to deny the humanity of the victims. It is at this point that the machinery slips out of control. For the only way to make option three work is to ignore biological nature, which tells us that from conception onward the child is as human as you or me (does anyone imagine that a dog is growing in there?) -- and invent another criterion of humanity, one that makes it a matter of degree. Some of us must turn out more human, others less. This is a dicey business even for abortionists. It hardly needs to be said that no one has been able to come up with a criterion that makes babies in the womb less human but leaves everyone else as he was; the teeth of the moral gears are too finely set for that.
Consider, for instance, the criteria of "personhood" and "deliberative rationality." According to the former, one is more or less human according to whether he is more or less a person; according to the latter, he is more or less a person according to whether he is more or less able to act with mature and thoughtful purpose. Unborn babies turn out to be killable because they cannot act maturely; they are less than fully persons, and so less than fully human. In fact, they must be killed when the interests of those who are more fully human require it. Therefore, not only may their mothers abort, but it would be wrong to stop the mothers from doing so. But look where else this drives us. Doesn't maturity also fall short among children, teenagers, and many adults? Then aren't they also less than fully persons -- and if less than fully persons, then less than fully humans? Clearly so, hence they too must yield to the interests of the more fully human; all that remains is to sort us all out. No, the progression is too extreme! People are not that logical! Ah, but they are more logical than they know; they are only logical slowly. The implication they do not grasp today they may grasp in thirty years; if they do not grasp it even then, their children will. It is happening already. Look around.
So conscience has its revenge. We can't not know the preciousness of human life -- therefore, if we tell ourselves that humanity is a matter of degree, we can't help holding those who are more human more precious than those who are less. The urge to justify abortion drives us inexorably to a system of moral castes more pitiless than anything the East has devised. Of course we can fiddle with the grading criteria: consciousness, self-awareness, and contribution to society have been proposed; racial purity has been tried. No such tinkering avails to change the character of our deeds. If we will a caste system, then we shall have one; if we will that some shall have their way, then in time there shall be a nobility of Those Who Have Their Way. All that our fiddling with the criteria achieves is a rearrangement of the castes.
Need we wonder why, then, having started on our babies, we now want to kill our grandparents? Sin ramifies. It is fertile, fissiparous, and parasitic, always in search of new kingdoms to corrupt. It breeds. But just as a virus cannot reproduce except by commandeering the machinery of a cell, sin cannot reproduce except by taking over the machinery of conscience. Not a gear, not a wheel is destroyed, but they are all set turning in different directions than their wont. Evil must rationalize, and that is its weakness. But it can, and that is its strength.
VI
We've seen that although conscience works in everyone, it doesn't restrain everyone. In all of us some of the time, in some of us all of the time, its fearsome energy merely "multiplies transgressions." Bent backwards by denial, it is more likely to catalyze moral collapse than hold it back.
But conscience is not the only expression of the natural law in human nature. Thomas Aquinas defined law as a form of discipline that compels through fear of punishment. In the case of human law, punishment means suffering the civil consequences of violation; in the case of natural law it means suffering the natural consequences of violation. If I cut myself, I bleed. If I get drunk, I have a hangover. If I sleep with many women, I lose the power to care for anyone, and sow pregnancies, pain, and suspicion.
Unfortunately, the disciplinary effect of natural consequences is diminished in at least two ways. These two diminishers are the main reason why the discipline takes so long, so that the best that can be hoped for in most cultures is a pendulum swing between moral laxity and moral strictness.
The first diminisher is a simple time lag: not every consequence of violating the natural law strikes immediately. Some results make themselves felt only after several generations, and by that time people are so deeply sunk in denial that even more pain is necessary to bring them to their senses. A good example of a long-term consequence is the increase of venereal disease. When I was a boy we all knew about syphilis and gonorrhea, but because of penicillin they were supposed to be on the way out. Today the two horrors are becoming antibiotic-resistant, and AIDS, herpes, chlamydia, genital warts, human papilloma virus, and more than a dozen other sexually transmitted diseases, most of them formerly rare, are ravaging the population. Other long-term consequences of violating the laws of sex are poverty, because single women have no one to help them raise their children; crime, because boys grow into adolescence without a father's influence; and child abuse, because although spouses tend to greet babies with joy, live-ins tend to greet them with jealousy and resentment. Each generation is less able to maintain families than the one before. Truly the iniquities of the fathers -- and mothers -- are visited upon the children and the children's children to the third and fourth generation.
The second diminisher comes from us: "Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good," we exert our ingenuity to escape from the natural consequences of breaking the natural law. Not all social practices have this effect. For instance, threatening drunk drivers with legal penalties supplements the discipline of natural consequences rather than undermining it. Nor is the effect always intended. We don't devise social insurance programs in order to encourage improvidence, though they do have this result. It isn't even always wrong. It would be abominable to refuse treatment to a lifelong smoker with emphysema, even though he may have been buoyed in his habit by the confidence that the doctors would save him. But to act with the purpose of compensating for immorality is always wrong, as when we set up secondary school clinics to dispense pills and condoms to teenagers.
Here is an axiom: We cannot alter human nature, physical, emotional, or spiritual. A corollary is that no matter how cleverly devised, our contrivances never do succeed in canceling out the natural consequences of breaking the natural law. At best they delay them, and for several reasons they can even make them worse. In the first place they alter incentives: People with ready access to pills and condoms see less reason to be abstinent. In the second place they encourage wishful thinking: Most people grossly exaggerate their effectiveness in preventing disease and pregnancy and completely ignore the risks. In the third place they reverse the force of example: Before long the practice of abstinence erodes even among people who don't take precautions. Finally they transform thought: Members of the contraceptive culture think liberty from the natural consequences of their decisions is somehow owed to them.
There comes a time when even the law shares their view. In Planned Parenthood v. Casey, which reauthorized the private use of lethal violence against life in the womb, the Supreme Court admitted that its original abortion ruling might have been wrong, but upheld it anyway. As it explained, "For two decades of economic and social developments, people have organized their intimate relationships and made choices that define their views of themselves and their places in society in reliance on the availability of abortion in the event that contraception should fail. . . . An entire generation has come of age free to assume [this] concept of liberty." To put the thought more simply, what we did has separated sex from responsibility for resulting life for so long that to change the rules on people now would be unfair.
Naught avails; our efforts to thwart the law of natural consequences merely make the penalty more crushing when it comes. The only question is whether our culture will be able to survive the return stroke of the piston.
To survive what is bearing down on us, we must learn four hard lessons: to acknowledge the natural law as a true and universal morality; to be on guard against our own attempts to overwrite it with new laws that are really rationalizations for wrong; to fear the natural consequences of its violation, recognizing their inexorability; and to forbear from all further attempts to compensate for immorality, returning on the path that brought us to this place.
Unfortunately, the condition of human beings since before recorded history is that we don't want to learn hard lessons. We would rather remain in denial. What power can break through such a barrier?
The only Power that ever has. Thomas Aquinas writes that when a nation suffers tyranny, those who enthroned the tyrant may first try to remove him, then call upon the emperor for help. When these human means fail, they should consider their sins and pray. We are now so thoroughly under the tyranny of our vices that it would be difficult for us to recognize an external tyrant at all. By our own hands we enthroned them: our strength no longer suffices for their removal: they have suspended the senate of right reason and the assembly of the virtues: the emperor, our will, is held hostage: and it is time to pray.
Nothing new can be written on the heart, but nothing needs to be; all we need is the grace of God to see what is already there. We don't want to read the letters, because they burn; but they do burn, so at last we must read them. This is why the nation can repent. This is why the plague can be arrested. This is why the culture of death can be redeemed. "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before thee . . . a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."
J. Buziszewski is Associate Professor of Government and Philosophy at the University of Texas and author of Written on the Heart: The Case for Natural Law (InterVarsity?). An earlier version of this article was published in William D. Gairdner, ed., After Liberalism (Stoddart).
WebLog20040907
Sep 7th at 12:00 am
When you are walking in the dark, even when you know roughly where you are going, you often end up bumping into things. Sure, you correct and go around or in the other direction or something, but it's entirely different having the lights on and seeing where you are going and choosing a path that doesn't run you into things.
I have been guilty of walking in the dark so many times in my life that I don't want to count; but I am gradually learning what it looks like to walk in the light as a way of life and it's so amazing that I want you to know it too.
1st John 1:6-7 says, "If we claim that we experience a shared life with Him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth--we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin."
The part that really hits home to me in that is that it is "obvious" when we claim to be in the light but aren't really. Unfortunatly I think that's the part non-christians often pick up on - that although we claim to have "the way" we still blunder around as if we didn't.
I don't by any means imply that we should be pefect. The very next verse from above says, "If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense." Walking in the light doesn't have anything to do with not sinning; it's different than that. It's not just a bunch more rules about what do do and not do (that's dressup) -- it's filling our minds and hearts with so much of God's word and presence that He is able to direct and use us as a tool -- in the process shaping and remaking us into something new (that's resurrection life).
2 Chorinthians 5:15-20: "...so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own...The old life is gone, a new life burgeons! Look at it!...God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter God's work..."
WebLog20040905
Sep 5th at 12:00 am
What
_Guys only_ before school camp-out and marmot roast.
Where
We will take two Jeep Wranglers into the high country of the San Juans. The current route involves setting up camp at treeline above corkscrew gultch and spending friday night, then pursuing Cinamon Pass to Lake City in the morning. Routes are subject to change at the discretion of the guides.
Who
Guides: Caleb Maclennan & Don Roxby, both experienced backcountry explorers and marmot eaters.
Campers: We have space for up to 6. The first six confirmed people get to go, everybody else can eat their own marmots at home without Vedo's special sauce.
When
Sunday after afternoon (1pm) through Monday afternoon. Meet in front of Don Roxby's place at 1pm on sunday. We will be back before 5pm on monday.
Bring
As little as possible. We will not have a lot of packing space. Dress very warmly (it will be cold up high!) and bring a warm sleeping bag (it will freeze at night). If you don't have one I have extras -- email me. A pad would also be a good idea if you have one. If you have a favorite marmot roasting skewer, you could pack that, otherwise we'll make our own.
Don and I will bring tents and food and all other nessessaries.
Contact
Caleb Maclennan (caleb@alerque.com, work: 325-4467)
Don Roxby (don@wiredsupport.biz, home: 325-4772)
WebLog20040830
Aug 30th at 12:00 am
I said something today that I have since ralised was not true. I was having breakfast (late enough in the day that it could have been lunch) with a good friend that I have not spent time with in a while and was questioned about how busy work and life in general have been since I have been home. My answer was in the usuall vein of how rediculous things get and how consuming work is.
I believe my answer was unfair to God. It failed to give Him credit for what he was accomplished in that area specifically. One of my prayers while doing work for Him in other parts of the world was that when I got back to Ouray I would be able to continue to continue in His service and not loose focus on things like work.
Since being home I have spent a lot of time in front of a computer screen doing my usual sys-admin and developer type work -- fixing a months worth of bugs and fighting the spam fight that every ISP knows they have to budget half of their equipment for -- I have done these things. They kind of half to be done. I even like doing them (well not the spam but...).
Saying or even passivly implying that work has taken it's previous place in my life (or AS my life!) was my lie. I have never before been a witness to such a steady flow of miracles minor and major as in the last month and a half, and the two weeks that I have been home have been a continuation of that. I have seen Christ Jesus reconcile relationships, break down arguments, open hearts, heal bodies, raise up leaders, teach those who seek Him, supply friends when none where to be had, and more that I have probably forgotten because I didn't give Him the glory first thing. All that -- in the last two weeks.
The power of prayer has been clearly evident. Is it an accident that when three of us sat down for an hour and prayed for a friend who had litterally and figurativly shut the door in our faces, that very person comes walking in ... and by the end of the night we've all had too much fun? Is it an accedent that when I asked God for a sign that I was to continue pursuing a ministry in an area where I was making little headway, that the next day a card arives from someone in another part of the state who was never written me before saying "Thank you for being obedient to God's call on your life when you are being rejected."
And speaking of signs, our men's bible study this morning was studying the story of Gideon. Several of the men did not think that God answers today with signs like He did then and that they have never been given one. And I'm ashamed to say that I was too tired (it was 7 in the morning!) and bashfull to speak out and tell them that I have seen signs that are unquestionably from God in direct answer to prayer that speak specifically to the situations I was facing.
God has been faithfull to me. When I have called on Him, He has answered. He has even allowed me to be used as part of His work -- the comming of His Kingdom here on earth. I am greatfull to Him, and pray that I will have the strength to give credit Him with all He does. This means not only not taking the credit myself, but making sure mention is made of His works instead of letting them go un-noticed.
WebLog20040821
Aug 21st at 12:00 am
Considering how long I have been away and the places I have seen, the lessons I have learned and the work I have done, posting an a link to Paul Graham's analysis of the character and culture of great hackers is indeed random. I promise to fill in stories of my adventures over the last month as time and creativity allows.
WebLog20040710
Jul 10th at 12:00 am
WebLog20040618
Jun 18th at 12:00 am
I love analogies. For some reason they stick with me. Ever since I read CS Lewis's rant whereby anybody who doesn't accept Jesus for who he claims to be boils down to a poached egg, I can litterally visualize a poached egg between many people's shoulders.
Perhaps I take them too far. The other day I was discussing with some friends how we as Christians are to "give God the glory" for the things that we do, and I decided that apache's mod_rewrite was a fair analogy. For those of you who don't know much about http redirection, this will not make a whole lot of sense, but there are several flags you can add when urls are re-written. Two of these are \[R] and \[P], redirect and proxy. A proxy rewrite makes it look the content is being served from the requested URL when really it comes from somewhere else. This is a how we look when we take credit for work God has done through us. The redirections method alerts the user to the fact that the resource really lies elsewhere and lets them request it themselves. This is what I believe we need to be doing with the credit due to God.
Tonight I was up at church praying and thinking about a problem I've been having, specifically my frustration with working with a team-member. She (codname Susan) and I seem to get along fine, but I haven't felt like we are quite on the same page all the time.
I was running through other life experiences in my head trying to come up with something that would help me deal with this one and my experiences as an audio engineer came to mind. One of the most troublesome routines in mixing live sound is the getting all the monitor mixes just right. Levels can be just a little bit off and all of a sudden the drummer can't hear the keyboard player and the guitarist can't hear the drummer and the lead singer can't hear the guitar and the keyboardist can't hear the lead singer. You get the picture -- the tone and timing all fall to pieces. If you've ever mixed monitors you know how fast that can happen.
I picture Susan and I in a band together, both trying to play the same song. I think she's got the lead instrument and I've got some accompanement part. Unfortunatly I don't have Susan in my monitors unless I stop playing to listen. Whenever I play I can no longer hear what she's doing and I feel like I've incorrectly taken over the lead. Perhaps she can hear me and make herself blend correctly, but even if that's the case, the role is backwards.
WebLog20040617
Jun 17th at 12:00 am
What's with people seeing everything backwards?
I still hear people talking about ThePassion? and picking up on the Jews' hatred for Jesus and what they did to Him and immitating those ideas in their own attitues towards the Jews or Jesus or the film.
Why don't they notice Jesus' love for the Jews and what he did for them and immitate that?
WebLog20040615
Jun 15th at 12:00 am
The following is taken from the website of my cousin Peter Maclennan. I included it here because I'm to lazy write something today and thought it was a good testimony to share around.
Who am I and why should you care?
No one and you shouldn’t. Maybe you don’t care. Then the question becomes “Why are you still reading something that you don't care about?”
I am a 24-year-old college graduate. I am about to embark on a sojourn, a year in Eastern Europe assisting a missionary there.
My History
I was the oldest born into a Christian family of four children, three boys and one girl. When I was less than one year old, my family moved to a 20-acre farm in Northern California . We shared the property with my paternal grandparents. Growing up my closest brother and I made use of the property for many games and adventures. At various times we had cows, sheep, pigs, horses, chickens, dogs, cats, and turkeys on the farm. A river ran behind the property, which provided us a place to swim and fish.
Growing up in the country provided me with many pleasant memories. Some of my favorites involve the 20-50 cows that my dad owned. Once or twice a year the cows had to be “doctored” and the new calves had to be branded. I enjoyed these “round-ups” for they provided me with an excuse to miss school and an opportunity to learn from men who knew about raising cattle. Curiosity and a willingness to help allowed me to have a hand in most of the different tasks.
When it came time for me to enter school, my parents sent me to a private Christian school for kindergarten. School came easily for me and I excelled in most subjects. I remained at that school through junior high school. When my freshman year of high school came, I decided that I wanted to go to public school. I only lasted there about four months. I returned to the same Christian school to finish out high school.
Most of my life has been shaped by my faith in Jesus Christ. I cannot remember a time when I was not in church. Some of my earliest memories are of Bible studies that met in our house. Of course, I was too young to study but I remember the singing and games with the other kids. From an early age, I was exposed to the gospel. In kindergarten, I prayed to accept Jesus as my Savior with my mother. From that point on my Bible knowledge and understanding grew.
Much of my life in junior high and high school was based around church. I went to camp, on ski retreats, on camping trips, and mission trips throughout this time. Part of my desire was based on my desire to spend time with the pastor’s daughter, yet God used it for His glory. I knew and learned that my life needed to be centered on Christ.
After high school, I decided to go to a private college in Santa Barbara . It was a beautiful place and I made many memories there. I spent many hours at the beach, dancing, flirting, and talking with friends.
After my sophomore year of college, I worked as a summer intern for Youth for Christ. The work environment was a daily challenge to my Christian faith. Each day was spent surrounded by other believers who were worshipping and striving after God. It fueled a desire to be involved in Christ’s work. I also knew that it would be difficult to return to college that fall. After a week in school, my parents and I decided that I should withdraw from classes.
I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area and lived with my grandmother. Being her oldest grandchild, we had a special relationship. I worked two jobs and decided to take classes at a nearby community college, starting in the spring. That spring I also went to Mexico with my home church. During training for the trip, I met and developed a friendship with the new youth pastor.
That summer I moved home, desiring to spend time with friends from church. That fall I enrolled in the local community college and decided to pursue a degree in business. In December of that year, my grandmother got very sick, requiring my mother to spend most of the week in the Bay Area with her. This left me at home with my youngest brother for most of the time. Meanwhile, my friendship with the youth pastor developed and we became fast friends. It was decided that I would be his intern for the summer.
Shortly after my internship began, the review period for the pastor came due and he was asked to resign. This left me in charge of the youth group. This was a task that I was unprepared to handle and to proud to realize it. God used that time to prepare me to return to college.
The youth leaders in the area met twice a month to encourage and plan events. While taking prayer requests at one of these meetings, I asked for wisdom regarding my return to college that fall. I had applied but was not sure whether I should leave the youth group without a leader. The other youth leaders strongly encouraged me that I should return to school now.
That fall I left for The Master's College in Santa Clarita , California . I have spent the last two years there. God has used that time to shape and mold my life. I have a clearer picture of what I want to do with my life. The last year was spent as an R.A., ministering to a wing of guys. God used it to teach me my inadequacy and His sufficiency. I have learned to treasure His Word and that living for His glory is the greatest goal anyone can aspire to.
I just graduated and am happy to be done with formal schooling. Now the school of life begins. I will be tested to see what I am made of. I look forward to the journey and pray that I am worthy of the calling to which I have been called.
WebLog20040614
Jun 14th at 12:00 am
I spent last week in California at the 3rd semi-annual Maclennan Family Reunion. Check out the Pictures
For those who thought life was fair, observe how some people get paid too much to do too little, and they want to hire more people to do it!
WebLog20040508
May 8th at 12:00 am
There is a violin playing softly in the background. If I listen I can still hear it. It's during an interlude in a song on some album I have. During the quiet, a little boy's voice comes on, reciting his line slowing, one phrase at a time. "Until you have found something worth dying for, you are not really living."
I watched The Last Samurai tonight, and that statement is all I could think of. Why were these people living? What are they accomplishing by dying? Was there another way to get their point across?
In their case I do not know. It was interesting to watch the cultures and how they were portrayed; how the people of the samurai believe that the only honorable thing to do when shamed was to take their own life.
Sad. Sad that so many die without knowing that they can live. Sad that so many die not being sure of why they lived. There is nothing wrong with dying, but to die for a lie?
That is not just a thing of the past. People die for lies that they believe are true all the time. Even worse, people kill themselves on behalf of a lie; yesterday afternoon there was one in Baghdad that made the news doing just that.
The disciples of Jesus died too. They were killed on account of their belief; a belief in Jesus Christ as the risen Lord. The fact that they were willing to die for what they believed does not make it true, but it's intesting to think about the opportunity they had. The opportunity to walk with Jesus, day in and day out. To walk with him along the road, to listen to Him teach. To be there when he was killed. To see Him again when he was alive. Think about it -- these guys were there, and if anybody had an opportunity to know that Jesus was a hoax it was these guys. If anybody would have known that he wasn't alive, that he didn't actually conquor death, it was them.
All but one of the twelve that walked with Jesus were separately killed for their belief in what they had seen. As I saw tonight in The Last Samurai, people will die for something they believe is true. Will people die for something they know is false?
And have I found something worth dying for? I believe I have, and it's Jesus Christ. I believe that I live so that His Kingdom will become known here on earth, and yes, I believe I will die for that. Now, the question is how do I live for that?
WebLog20040507
May 7th at 12:00 am
WebLog20040505
May 5th at 12:00 am
WebLog20040504
May 4th at 12:00 am
WebLog20040427
Apr 27th at 12:00 am
This is not a weblog entry. Instead it's a scratchpad of things I pulled out of the book PassionAndPurity? while preparing for an upcomming youth group talk. And no, they really don't have much to do with the talk, they are more background for me so that I remember where I am comming from and why.
Does God want everything?
Until the will and the affections are brought under teh authority of Christ, we ahve not begun to understand, let alone accept, Hid Lordship. The Cross, as it enteres the love life, will reveal the heart's truth.
Jesus and five thousand -- took what they had before he gave everything.
The snake's reasoning - what you want shouldn't be overruled by god's plan - you know better what you want - you don't deserve the best - God is stingy.
Backwards logic - how can I find out what God wants me to do if I don't now what I want to do -
Love what God commands and desire what He promies.
Difference between duty and desire caused by a heart not set on obidience.
Does God notice? (job)
While purity before marriage consists in holding ourselves from one another in obedience to God, purity after mirrage consists in giving ourselves to and for each other in obedience to God.
WebLog20040425
Apr 25th at 12:00 am
I got up at six this morning and went to the church to cleanup the youth room before people started showing up. Somehow in moving the little fiberboard partitions around I managed to pull a muscle in my back and in less time that it takes to sneeze I was on the floor. It was late afternoon before I was able to walk again, and even now the process of moving anywhere is painful.
WebLog20040423
Apr 23rd at 12:00 am
Proof of my short attention span
Me: Hey have you eaten yet?
Laura: No, why?
Me: I was starting to get hungry. Want to find something?
Laura: You're fasting today.
From Baraita, because it's funny.
First, an important advisory: if you are not Jewish, and a Jewish friend tells you anytime during the Passover holiday how tired s/he is of matzah, do not say, "Oh, I love that stuff!! It's delicious!" We appreciate that you know what matzah is. We may even believe that you enjoy it. At any other time of the year, we would find this to be an interesting tidbit of culinary information, or perhaps further proof of pleasant eccentricity on your part. But liking matzah does not establish you as a member of the tribe, and if you avow your love for matzah anytime after about day three of Pesach (especially if you are munching on toast/pasta/baklava at the time), it will be all your Jewish friend can do not to beat you to death with a large canister of matzo meal. This has been a public service announcement, because I run into people who say this every blessed year, and there is no tactful way to explain this in person.
WebLog20040422
Apr 22nd at 12:00 am
Only a rookie who knows nothing about science would say science takes away from faith. If you really study science, it will bring you closer ro God. -- James Tour
WebLog20040420
Apr 20th at 12:00 am
Taxes suck. I finally got money deposited to cover the check I had to write to the IRS last week. Blah.
Regarding Grace
The question I posed on the 11th was retorical. Quite frankly I can't remember what the specifics where that made me think along those lines, but I know what the general idea was. Being in leadership, and concious of God's calling on my life to work for Him, I am often keenly aware of grace. Usually this is most evident when I am privileged enough to see some result of God's use of me in other people's lives.
Although I say I am "keenly away of Grace", I beleive that is much easier said than done. I know with my mind what Grace is: that it is not a matter of deserving anything, and all the good theological stuff. On paper it's an easy equation. o != ~. However, like all other aspects of our God, the things he does are so stupendously big and our brains, however beautifully fashioned, are so small, that sometimes things just spill out the top.
On the 11th I was just amazed at how much was spilling over.
WebLog20040411
Apr 11th at 12:00 am
Why am I blessed enough to be called a servant of Christ Jesus the Risen Lord? What did I do to deserve the gift of life He offered?
Nothing. And therein lies grace. Not that we deserved it but that He gave it. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that WHILE we were STILL SINNERS, Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8) All the more reason to be grateful for the sacrifice. When we had no desire to turn to Christ, He died for in order to draw us to Himself. -- anonymous
WebLog20040410
Apr 10th at 12:00 am
I'm home.
Most of this little town seems to think it's crazy that it's snowing right now, but I'm glad to catch the last bit of winter that it looked like I would miss.
WebLog20040315
Mar 15th at 12:00 am
In case there was any doubt that I really am behind the times, I picked up somebodies iPod today and wondered what it was until I looked at the name on the back. Once again, hats off to Apple for the cool factor in hardware design.
WebLog20040311
Mar 11th at 12:00 am
WebLog20040305
Mar 5th at 12:00 am
It took me an hour and a half to get from Ouray to Silverton this morning due to blizard conditions on RedMountainPass, but the rest of the trip was dry.
I picked up Daniel Bellum in Albuquerque and we chatted on the drive down to Tuscon. I'm increasingly glad that I was not subjected to a public high school growing up. As we talked we called into question the fundamental principals of government, religion, education and families. What is government around for? How is public education as a branch of government fufilling that role?
Checked in at the Roadway Inn in Tuscon at half past twelve in a lobby full of high school freaks and vibrating from the tunes at a sorority party in the conference room.
WebLog20040304
Mar 4th at 12:00 am
WebLog20040227
Feb 27th at 12:00 am
I just sat down to write a rant complaining about all the people who claim ThePassionOfTheChrist doesn't have a point. In order to make my point I decided to look up the defenition of the world "passion". Was I ever surprised.
+Passion+, n.
- A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.
- a) Ardent love. b) Strong sexual desire; lust. b) The object of such love or desire.
- a) Boundless enthusiasm. b) The object of such enthusiasm.
- An abandoned display of emotion, especially of anger: He's been known to fly into a passion without warning.
- a) The sufferings of Jesus in the period following the Last Supper and including the Crucifixion, as related in the New Testament. b) A narrative, musical setting, or pictorial representation of Jesus's sufferings.
In light of that, nobody should really be surprised that a movie about the passion of Jessus would be about anything other than his death.
But that not much of a case, so here is attempt two. Several critics I have read asked the question "Why?". Why would anybody watch this movie?
To answer that lets start with the question, "Why would Jesus go through that?". I think the line to Mary as he struggled with the cross along the Via Delorosa summs it up fairly well. "Behold, I make all things new." Jesus was a man with a mission. He was convinced that by his suffering he could make all things new. Was he correct? I beleive so, but that's your choice.
So what needs making new?
WebLog20040213
Feb 13th at 12:00 am
Practical jokes have never really worked out very well for me. Today was a great case in point. As a fundraiser for a missions trip we have been going around town shoveling people's walk ways. Clean up the snow, leave a note on the door and move on to the next house.
This particular morning one of our team could not be with us. We happened to be shoveling along and went by his house. Since he had missed a couple shovel parties, we figured we should shovel his walk and leave him a note just to make him feel guity or something. Being the kind hearted soulds that we are, we shoveled his walk and left him a note.
In my brilliance I figured it would be funny to take it one step farther and burry his door while we were there. A good thirty seconds later and I had his door about 3 feet deep in snow. As I threw up a nice big shovel full, thunk against the door, to my chagrin, the door opened. And a man looked out. And it wasn't Dave. It wasn't even somebody who knew Dave. We were at the wrong house.
Todays lessons:
- Check the number.
- When caught, tell the truth.
WebLog20040212
Feb 12th at 12:00 am
It's been one of those days.
It's days like today that make me long for the day when I see my Jesus face to face.
Besides the CCU bus getting stuck in the church parking lot, my (unlicenced) friend "parked" my parents jeep in the middle of a restarant patio.
WebLog20040211
Feb 11th at 12:00 am
My jeep has been low on gas and flashing the little alarm thing all week so I decided to buz down to the other end of town to fill it up tonight on my way from work to home. Unfortunatly it was so cold that when I got down to the station the pump was iced up and gas came out in a little tinny trickle.
In other news tonight, it looks like optical computing may actually happen sometime before I am old and grey.
WebLog20040209
Feb 9th at 12:00 am
I've been studying CSLewis lately, specifically his book MereChristianity?. I think he brings up a very interesting perspective on some ideas that have gotten warped in our society. Right now I'm thinking about the way he ties loving, liking and charity together.
After thinking about it and finding some examples in my life, I realize that you can love somebody without liking them. This brings up the question of what love is. I believe that it is not a feeling, but an act of the will. Charity should not be limited to giving to the poor, it should be a life attitude, the living out of our love. Liking, being fond of someone, is an entirely separate issue.
Sometimes liking comes naturally, sometimes disliking. In loving in the christian sence, I think we often learn to like. In setting our will to be charitable towards someone whom we naturally dislike, they become easier and easier to love, and even perhaps like.
The oposite seems to me also true. Natural dislike, if let fester, becomes contempt and hate. Even apathy, a passive rather than active vice, builds upon itself. Ignoring somebody as you walk by them on the side walk the first time is hard, and easy to feel remorsefull about. Ignoring them for the 50th time is much easier.
Man has some intrinsic ability to notice his own depravity. Why?
WebLog20040208
Feb 8th at 12:00 am
I rebuilt my desk today. After rotating one of my monitors and having it fall over for the third time I figured it was time to be a little more organized about it, so I tore everything apart and built a new desk attatched to the wall with a glass top, more leg clerance, nicer wire (spagetii) management. I also took all of my monitors out of their shells to get them closer together and stable. The result is not pretty but very functional. Pictures to come.
The few days where I can go to bed without having to set an alarm are the greatest luxuries of my week!
WebLog20040203
Feb 3rd at 12:00 am
Today is one of those days. You know the ones. The ones where everything seems to suck.
In all honestly, it's probably my fault. I tried the pity-party technique of listing everything that was wrong, and most of them were my fault. To top off the last I woke up this morning and in a four o'clock delerium decided that I was mad at God for not making it snow. I supposed I should work on that.
It all started out yesterday evening durring dinner out. We were discussing how much we didn't like meetings, which jogged my memory about a youth group leadership meeting I had forgotten earlier in the day. Much beating up of the self.
WebLog20040202
Feb 2nd at 12:00 am
I dislike getting out of the habbit of blogging. It's hard to get back into.
It's my birthday today. According to my friend who took me out to dinner, I'm now a fully qualified adult (21 doesn't count because it's sort of new and experimental).
WebLog20040118
Jan 18th at 12:00 am
I ran across two more reasons why I am not and have never been enrolled in a school of any kind. Reason number one came from SundaySchool? this morning in which a kid described the relative joys of having to write a 20 page paper on the health of the Uncompaghre river. The other is from Naomi Chana's blog entry from the 12th, In Which I Cannot Bilocate
We sang TheWonderfulCross this morning at worship. We sang this at Urbana03 and as we sang it this morning I was almost there again. I can't wait to sing that in heaven when I will be able to actually sing.
To everybody who is concerned about my WebLog being too much about "my religion", I'm sorry. Well not really. Fist of all, I am not making you read it. Second, as documented at the top of my PersonalHomePage, this site is designed and organized primarily for my own use. Anything you gain by reading it is purely a side effect and I make no warranty express or implied as to fitness for any particular purpose. This WebLog has been an extention of that and it is more of a journal than a typical blog. The most usefull things for me to re-read almost always relate to my relationship with my savior, JesusChrist.
That being said, constructive ideas on what else I can include along the way are always welcome, along with your FeedBack? and SpellingCorrections.
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. Philipians 3:8
WebLog20040116
Jan 16th at 12:00 am
I've been fasting today in behalf of out the youth I work with at church and around town. Actually all of the youth leaders split up the week so that one of us is fasting all the time.
It has been an interesting experience. I've fasted many times before, but I have found the day very challenging. I have never been through a full day at work with so much prayer for one thing interspersed.
WebLog20040115
Jan 15th at 12:00 am
The 7th and 8th grade classes at OurayHighSchool? put on GodSpell? this evening. I went just for the heck of it. My impressions from the night are as follows.
- I got there early, and they were doing a spot of last minute rehersal. The interaction between the directors and actors made me want to holler at somebody to chill out.
- The acting tallent was surprising. I was quite amazed.
- I was glad to see a production of such religious nature could still be put on in our school system today without a huge fuss.
- I wanted to cry. With a few exceptions, the actors did not mean what they were saying or even know what they were saying meant. Great lines, good acting, but I wish it could have been genuine.
WebLog20040114
Jan 14th at 12:00 am
Yes, this will be a little bit odd for a weblog. These are actually my notes for tonights CoffeeHouse talk typed out into a semi-readable form. I would write something else, but this is what has been on my mind today; well for that matter the last week. If you think you'll be offended by a what is basically a sermon stuck into my WebLog, you don't have to read it.
Today I am going to relay the testimony of a girl that I met at Urbana03 and look at some verses that I think both speak to the depth of God's love for us.
Allison Miguel is a black girl in her middle twenties. This summer she was on a missions trip to Mokkattam Egypt, a subburb of Cairo. Mokkattam is a community of garbage collectors. They survive by going into Cairo and collecting garbage, and then bringing it back to their front yards and sorting it out, looking for little trinkets that can be cleaned up and re-used. In her second week there Allison was walking to her work site, some sort of rescue mission, when she saw a young girl sitting in a front yard sorting trash. Seeing people sorting trash was quite familer by this time, but this was the first child she had seen doing it alone.
She stoped and watched, and as she did so her heart filled with love and compassion for the girl, and she felt a strong desire to show her that. She could not speak the language, but she remembered the way Jesus treated people, and so so walked over and sat down with the girl and started sorting trash. After a couple of minutes however she began to feal nauseous, but she did not want to give up. She prayed to God and asked for another way to show the girl love or strength to carry through with this.
As she prayed she felt God speaking to her, saying, "I also am a garbage sorter. This is what your sin looks like, feels like, smells like, to me. Every day I sort through this stuff that your standing in so that you can be forgiven."
To me this is a crazy picture of what my God does for me daily. As I listened to Allison I thought of all the garabage in my life and was humbled at the thought of what my God does for me.
Allison sat and continued to sort trash. Every time she looked at the girl her heart was filled with love and it gave her strength to bear the smell. After a while the girl got up and came over with her hand out and said "es-mig-nora", or "my name is nora", and then went back to work. Allison couldn't bring herself to leave. She felt like this was how God was calling her to demonstrate love. After another few minutes the girl found a toy doll in the refuse. She started jumping up and down and shouting in excitement, and came over to Allison to show it off, then went to the street to show the kids that had gathered to hear her shouting.
As Allison watched the girls excitement at finding a toy in the trash, she felt God speaking to her again. "Allison, this is how excited I get when I find something precious in you, some gift that I placed in you from your birth, and I can clean it off and use it for my Glory."
Several other adults came by and tried to tell her not to do this, that she was an American and a guest here, and this was disgusting -- even critisized the girl for makeing her do this, but Allison said, "No, I want to do this, she is my friend and this is how I can show her love." ... and she did - she kept at it all day and several days after that. It lead to a deep friendship with the girl and her family.
This story really hit me because it is a very graphic picture of how outragious our God's love for us is, it's a love that has no limit and it get's down and dirty. It's a love that knows the cost and is willing to pay it.
Now think about Jesus for a minute. Jesus left his perfect heaven, sitting at the right hand of God, and He came to earth to live with us. Why? I believe He did it because by entering our sin scared world with all it's filth is how he chose to show His love for us. As if comming here wasn't enough, check out his attutude after her got here.
In Luke chapter 5 there is a story about a man who was covered with leprosy comming to Jesus. Leprosy is a disease that attacks flesh. People eventually die from it simply because their flesh rots off of their bones. This man comes up to Jesus and begs on him on his knees to be healed. He says, "If you are willing you can heal me."
Jesus reply is really cool. He doesn't just say, "Be healed," like I'm sure he could have done. Instead he walks over to the man and puts his hand on him and says, "I am willing. Be clean!"
Godis not afraid of your garbage! I know that there is junk in your lives and in your minds, just as their is in mind, but God knows what it is and in spite of it's stench God is willing to touch it and to take it away from you. Psalms 103:12: "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."
When I think about the man that I am I tend to get a little depressed. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. It draggs me down to think of my own righteusness because in God's eyes everything that I can do for myself is as filthy rags. But there is something really awesome that I can grab onto here. Now a righteousness from God...has been made known...this righteousness caomes from God through faith in Jesus Christ. Yes, all have sinned, but all are freely justified by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus...you see at just the right time while we were still powerless Christ died for the ungodly...God demonstrated His love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.
When Jesus walked over and touched the leaper and said, "I am willing", he was not kidding. He knew the filth and he knew the cost, but he was willing to pay the price. Not just for that lepper, but for every sin of the human race. As they nailed Him to the cross, the most horrible death that the Romans could come up with, he hung there in pai